OCTOBER 27, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 23

EVENINGS OUT

What the hell is this thing called the 'gay lifestyle?'

by Mubarak S. Dahir

As a writer, I'm terribly hesitant about banning words, even the nastiest of them. I'm a great believer in that good old-fashioned liberal value called freedom of speech.

But as a gay man, I'm not at all opposed to a moratorium on the word lifestyle. And I wouldn't mind burying the phrase lifestyle

choice.

A gayrights activ-

ist friend of mine (you know the kind-we

all have them) tells me the word lifestyle is detrimental because it denotes people who somehow live in a way that is different or apart from "the norm."

Mubarak Dahir

The rich, for example, have extravagant lifestyles; they are separated by the average Joe by their money.

In the same way, my activist buddy believes anti-gay forces trump up the word lifestyle when they talk about us in order to amplify their claim that we are, somehow, different that the average Joe: we are separated by the kind of sex we have.

Maybe my friend's right, but my gripe with the word lifestyle is a much simpler one: I just don't understand what it means.

For most of my adult life, I have been trying to figure out exactly what it means to have a gay lifestyle. I mean, the phrase makes

it sound like we all put on our Doc Martens and Polo shirts every weekend, and get together to barbecue steaks.

Similarly, I'm confused about what it means to have a lifestyle choice. Oh, I know all the political mumbo-jumbo about how the word choice infers that being gay is something we consciously consider, instead of something that is innate. But do these people really think if I was going to make a lifestyle choice, I'd pick the life I got now?

Psychoanalysts and political types, please relax. This is not an exercise in self-hatredI'm not about to tell you I'd be straight if I could. All I'm saying is that if I had a choice, I'd have picked a far better body and a much higher income bracket.

I believe this ubiquitous, though still somewhat murky use of the word choice must be referring to something else we gay people do.

Like learning all the words to the show tunes. Or memorizing the best (and worst) lines of the best (and worst) movies ever. Or always winning at Trivial Pursuit when we play against straight people.

Or buttoning the top buttons of our shirts without looking either pretentious or nerdy.

Or discovering that big hair was long-ago out for women (though it may be in for some men. Consult your hairdresser.)

Or maybe it's that we can express our affection for members of the same sex without resorting to the word Dude.

Or, better yet, maybe it's the superior vocabulary of expletives we've developed over our straight male counterparts. Straight guys seem to use one catch-all phrase for all of life's little ups and downs: "Fuckin' A!”

Luckily, we as gay men have come up with a wider range of emotional expressions. For example, this is a straight man when

You've decided to end the relationship... Now what?

something bad happens: "Fuckin' A!" This is a gay man when something bad happens: "How dreadful!"

This is a straight guy when something good happens: "Fuckin' A!" A gay man, when something good happens:

"Faaaaabulous!"

This is a straight man, disgusted: "Fuckin' A!" A gay man, disgusted: "Puh-leeze!"

This is a straight man when his football team scores a winning touchdown: "Fuckin' A!" A gay man, when his football team scores a winning touchdown: "Fuckin' A!"

That political activist friend of mine is fond of saying we gay people don't have

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lifestyles, we just have lives.

I prefer to think of it this way: We don't have lifestyles, we just have style.

Mubarak Dahir has been named one of five recipients of this year's Honors Awards by the National Lesbian and Gay Journalism Association. The awards are presented annually to reporters who exhibit "outstanding merit in the coverage of gay and lesbian issues." Dahir has been writing a gay and lesbian column in the Philadelphia Daily News for three years, one of only five such columns that appear regularly in mainstream dailies.

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